Dating, Marriage, Children… Tick Tock!

Dating, Marriage, Children… Tick Tock!.

drowning

I know that a lot of people think you can just turn off depression when you learn about what may cause it or when someone tells you that you’re incredibly valuable to them or that so many other people have worse lives than you do… And all those things are great points and wonderful and should be appreciated and knowing that you’re fortunate is good too, but that doesn’t make cloud go away. The point is, knowing something intellectually doesn’t necessarily change something on an emotional level. Sometimes you just wake up feeling hopeless and miserable for no good reason. Sure, stress and lack of self-care certainly can perpetuate it, but sometimes it’s just there and those other factors simply make it worse. Sometimes when you can’t breathe, when you feel like that cloud is sucking all the air out of the room and you’re drowning on your own breath, the logical advice doesn’t make a lick of difference. Sometimes you have to just push through and distance yourself and sometimes just bleeding yourself dry (figuratively speaking) is the only way to escape that drowning sensation. But the worst part is when talking about those awful things that cross your mind when you’re drowning, is others’ reactions, especially those you care for. The thing is, it’s not their fault and simultaneously, it’s not your fault. Laying blame in depression is a losing game. People want to help though and that’s a good thing, but with something like this, listening can be the only valuable tool.

tired of being what you want me to be

“I’m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes” ~ Numb, Linkin Park

Every time you walk into the room my heart jumps and my breathing tightens. I can’t breathe. And yet, I know, logically, that I’m experiencing sudden panic. And not in a good way. In a ‘fuck, I’m so used to tip-toeing around you, I forget what it’s like to be in the same room and it scares the crap out of me’ sort of way. Hello anxiety and hello source.

Mom says to make amends. But I’m too tired. Honestly, eighty hours a week is nothing to shake a stick at. I know she’s probably right but it pisses me off that I have to make amends with you over something I don’t even know about! Writer’s block isn’t exactly helping me right now though. Maybe if I didn’t have to find out everything that’s going on from a second source, I’d actually feel some motivation about approaching you. Now your cowardly-ness is just pissing me off. I dare you to come and actually talk to me because I’m through with this childishness. I know I should be the bigger person and just say, “Look, what’s your fucking problem?” but we are NOT in a relationship, and I am NOT your mother. You’re the one putting ME out and not even saying why. And don’t come into my writing space and start making accusations that I’m spreading our issues around; no one knows who I am talking about here and neither do you, apparently.

I think my head’s going to explode. I WILL get this assignment done with or without help, thank you very much. The only person I can depend on is me; depending on others is just inviting trouble because disappointment’s always around the next corner. Sorry for my cynicism

Giving you the Silent Treatment! (Photo credit: gopal1035)

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PRINTS 4 Sale

PRINTS 4 Sale.

This is my wonderful friend’s work. Art lovers, support!

long day, new friend.

“…jammed in like sardines.”

Alice bit her lip as she stepped onto the subway car. The lighting was overly bright and fluorescent which was irritating because after a sixteen hour work/school day, that was the last thing she could handle. Well that and the fact that everyone was jammed in like sardines.

The train jerked as it pulled away from the station and Alice awkwardly reached for the nearest support.

“Don’t worry about being awkward, it’s packed in here. Stand closer to me,” said a tall, curly-haired brunette.

Alice peered up at the other girl and nodded as she stepped a little closer.

“It’s crazy busy,” Alice stated after a brief awkward silence.

The brunette nodded, “Yeah, no kidding. And they want to cut service? That makes no sense whatsoever.”

Alice nodded  with a strained smile. The somewhat surreal conversation continued for the next half hour until Alice’s stop came up.

“Well, this is my stop,” she said.

The brunette raised a brow, “Oh wow really? Me too.  I was gonna say ‘I hate to rudely ditch you but…'”

Alice grinned, “I swear I’m not stalking you.”

“Oh, same. Of course. I would never do that,” the other girl grinned back.

After they climbed the stairs, the curly-haired brunette turned to Alice, waved and said, “Well, I guess I may or may not see you again so…”

Alice smiled and returned the wave.

“I didn’t even get her name. I hope we run into each other again,” Alice murmured to herself somewhat mournfully after the other girl passed out of her sight.

 

 

avocado hummus and partini

Image via Wikipedia

I was nervous. I slowly climbed the stairs to the third floor where the club meeting was being held. I didn’t know anyone there; I just joined the online group after I spotted the ‘Vegan Club’ poster near my classroom. I certainly never intended on actually succeeding in making new friends (rather, acquaintances), nor did I intend on being exposed to animal ethics revelations that would instill such determination to stick to my own vegan rules all of the time.

The members were welcoming, quirky and interesting. There were two males and nine females (myself included) and active events dominated the meeting, like event planning and a game called Partini. The coffee was hot and pleasantly bitter and the avocado hummus and flat-bread were savoury.

“Check out Gary something’s YouTube video, it’s called The Best Speech You’ll Ever Hear, it made me vegan,” J. told me.

I nodded as I nibbled on flat-bread, “Will do.”

And I did. Apparently Gary Yourofsky‘s been banned in Canada (for freeing animals from a slaughter house) so I won’t get to see him live anytime soon unfortunately.

I happily munched my salad last night at this high-end restaurant my family had decided on. It could have only been better if it had been organic.

Related articles

• vegan way of life (anaseverina.wordpress.com)
• Happy World Vegan Day! (A Rant About Hummus) (sexytofu.com)

what a mess

The light from the window is dim when she gets home from work. Late.

The floor is littered with crumbs and has sticky spots. A dripping sound is starting–the sink is leaking. The floor is creaky and old as she pads across it towards the dirty kitchen; there is only faintest sound (besides the drips) of the landlord’s voice echoing through the floors.

Kitty Cat Meow is curled next to the heat vent snoozing away. She glances at the dish-filled sink and rolls her eyes at the cat. The digital clock beeps 11pm. Work starts early. Sleep doesn’t come until the early hours.

people watching. booze and technology.

People watching. This is the subject of this blog. Each post will contain an experience of the senses. Most experiences are from my own point of view and the watch-ee will not be aware. I will use false names if necessary and descriptive imagery. No harm intended!

Public Library visit. January 5, 2012. 2:00pm.

Why is it that some individuals come in here reeking of booze? It makes me wonder if health consciousness is actually real or just a mainstream discussion. And it’s curious, what are they all running away from? Like most addictions, it acts as a blinder. It dulls intense emotions like anger, frustration, sadness and worry.

The young brunette that was sitting next to me was having a difficult time with her email account. She snarled at the inefficient piece of technology in her frustration before sighing loudly and running her hands over her forehead. After the girl harangued the librarian who told her to try a different browser, she nodded and turned back to the computer. She mentioned she needed to email her landlord. Perhaps she lost her key to her apartment and her phone had been misplaced. Eventually she sent the email and abandoned the computer in a hurry.

The moral of the story? Technology is probably not something to solely rely upon. And that drinking potentially causes tirades.